


Soldiers, Strong Tea and Cake

by darklioness82



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Female Friendship, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 16:18:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7899562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darklioness82/pseuds/darklioness82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post- 'From Bournemouth With Love' - ignores events of subsequent episodes. Morven returns the advice she received from Bernie but is the trauma surgeon brave enough to go through with it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soldiers, Strong Tea and Cake

Bernie sat outside on the bench facing the hospital entrance. She wore her grey hoodie over the top of her royal blue trauma unit scrubs, more as a thing of comfort rather than because she felt chilly. Her arms rested on the tops of her outstretched thighs and her hands touched in the space between her legs. Enclosed within them was her mobile phone which she absentmindedly fiddled with while she sat deep in thought. 

 

“Do you mind if I sit here?” It look a few moments for Bernie to register Morven’s voice but once she did, she looked up at her and nodded her agreement. The younger woman sat down carefully beside her. “Are you okay?” She'd noticed unshed tears in Bernie's eyes and knowing her reasonably well by now, knew it wasn't quite like her to appear emotional.

 

“Yeah.” Bernie said distractedly, the tone implying she was anything but okay. Morven followed the movement of Bernie's arms next to her with her eyes, to the phone she was playing with in her hands. 

 

“Bad news?” Morven asked gently, having surmised the the phone was responsible for Bernie's uncharacteristic mood. 

 

“Umm… no… not really. I uh….” Bernie swallowed down the lump in her throat and started again. Her eyes didn't meet Morven’s as she spoke somewhere off into the distance. “It's a friend's birthday today. We haven't spoken in a while; things were left…  _ unresolved _ .” Bernie paused and glanced at Morven for a second. She waved her lime green covered phone in front of her. “I've written her a text but I'm not sure whether to send it or not. I don't know if I've used the right words.” Or, more importantly Bernie thought, if she'd used the wrong words and would therefore inadvertently make the situation worse. That's if things wouldn't be bollocksed up anyway by contacting her at all. Morven knew instantly what she wanted to say to her morose colleague, a woman who seemed stronger than anyone she'd ever met before but with a certain degree of vulnerability just hovering underneath the surface. 

 

“Do you remember what you said to me a couple of weeks ago, about Arthur?” Bernie paid attention to the young widow as Morven shuffled in her seat to get more comfortable. “If she was standing in front of you right now, what would you want to say to her?” She  maintained the eye contact and hoped that she was coming across encouraging and supportive. Bernie seemed to think for a second, looked away and then spoke into the empty space in front of her. 

 

“I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You've not been far from my thoughts recently and I miss you.” There was so much more Bernie wanted to say to her if she could; that she regretted the way she'd handled things so far and wanted the second chance that surely everyone deserved? 

 

“Then those are the words you should use.” It sounded so simple but experience had taught Bernie otherwise. 

 

“I don't know how welcome it's going to be.” She didn’t know what would be worse; Alex ignoring her or telling her to piss off. 

 

“Just do it, don't over-think it. Life's far to short already, don't you think?” Bernie nodded her head, seemingly mulling Morven’s words over in her mind. There were a few moments of comfortable silence and the younger woman wondered if she should ask something that had been nagging at her since they'd started this conversation. 

 

“Bernie, can I ask you a question?” From Morven’s tone, Bernie could tell that it was either going to be deeply personal or embarrassing. 

 

“You can ask.” It was said with a hint of caution but Morven ploughed on anyway. 

 

“Your friend? Is it  _ her?  _ The one you,  _ you know _ ….?” Of course, Morven had heard the rumours and prised some of the key facts from Dom, eventually. Far from being angry by the presumption, Bernie was actually relieved to be asked directly about it. The whispers in corridors, sideways glances and sudden conversation silences when she'd walked into a room had been predictable but no less irritating. 

 

“Alex. Yeah….” choked by emotion, Bernie trailed off. 

 

“Then all the more reason to send that text.” The younger woman didn't need to explain the reasons why; the loss of Arthur was still at the forefront of everyone's minds. Bernie turned her phone on and tapped away at the touch screen for a few moments. Morven tried not to laugh as it was clear Bernie wasn't particularly skilled in that area. She surmised that a surgeon's dexterous fingers obviously had limited use.

 

Bernie then showed the screen to her colleague, met her eyes and then pressed the send button on the screen in front of her. 

 

“There goes nothing….” Bernie breathed out a sigh of relief mixed with the anxiety of knowing it was just a waiting game now.

 

“At least you've tried. Come on, what was it you were telling me about brave soldiers, strong tea and cake?” Morven had taken her life into her hands and risked wrapping a supportive arm around Bernie's shoulders. But right at this moment the older woman was less _Major_ _Wolfe_ and more a friend in need.  

 

“Now  _ that _ sounds like a plan!” Bernie chuckled and grinned at the her colleague before rallying herself and overcoming her funk, albeit temporarily. 

 

***

 

After some cajoling and encouragement, Bernie had shown Morven the response she'd received from Alex, more than twenty four hours after she'd sent her text. They were seated at the nurse’s station engaged in some admin between surgeries. 

 

‘ _ Thanks x _ ’ 

 

“I don't know what that means.” The ‘x’ had thrown Bernie slightly, not quite the three kisses of a lover but not the full stop of someone completely disinterested either. 

 

“You need to take it at face value. You wished her a happy birthday and she accepted. What do you want to happen now?” Because it was clear to Morven that Bernie had seen this as the first step of something.

 

“I want to see her, talk to her, see if we can work things out.” It was what Bernie wanted more than anything.

 

“Then tell her that. She's not a mind reader.” Morven wondered if Arthur would have been chuckling by this point, here she was helping a woman old enough to be her mother with her love life! But he'd also understand that his wife was a kind and caring person, unable to watch someone struggle in pain, whether it be physical or emotional.

 

“What if I'm not ready? What if she's not ready?” Alex had said find her when she'd sorted her life out, but how could it ever be sorted while she didn't have Alex by her side? 

 

“You don't know unless you ask. And the fact that you’re thinking this much about it must be a good sign that you're feeling ready to do something about it. How long has it been since you last spoke?” Morven had all but forgotten the data she'd been inputting onto the computer system from the file in her hand, her attention solely focussed on Bernie now. 

 

“Four months.” Bernie had felt every single day of that four months.

 

“And have things changed in that time?” 

 

“Very much so.” Bernie was now standing on her own two feet; a small flat that was hers and hers alone, the trauma unit which she ran, friends like Serena and the rest of the team from AAU. She'd also had a lot of time to think, to decide what she wanted,  _ who _ she wanted, to complete the picture. 

 

“Then you must have something to talk to her about?” 

 

“Yeah, I think we do.” Bernie fired off another text to Alex and hoped against hope that she'd receive a positive answer. 

 

***

 

A small local pub had been chosen by Bernie as the venue for their reunion. It was close enough to her flat to walk home but far enough away from the hospital so she'd be unlikely to bump into any of her colleagues during the course of the evening.  

 

Alex sat at a table tucked into a corner with comfortable upholstered seats away from the bar. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched Bernie walk in and look around for her. She wore a smart, loose, open necked shirt and skinny jeans with her hair up in a clip and curls cascaded over the top. She’d changed her hair yet again and it suited her much more than the scraped back bun or ponytail she’d had to stick to on duty. Alex stood out of courtesy, making herself obvious and ran her clammy hands down the front of her denim jeans in nervousness. It had been the right thing to do as Bernie spotted her and made her way over. 

 

“Hi,” Alex greeted her former lover, unsure whether to lean over the table for a hug or peck on the cheek or even a stiff handshake. Her body thrummed with nerves; delighted to see Bernie again but anxious to know how this meeting was going to work out. Fortunately the table had been a natural barrier between the two, so when Bernie had simply plonked her handbag down on top of it in front of her, Alex promptly sat down again. The older woman hadn’t been standoffish but Alex could see that she was distracted and it worried her. 

 

“Hello. Would you like a drink?” Bernie hadn't really taken notice of anything else besides Alex when she'd walked in. How could the mere sight of someone have the power to take her breath away? It wasn’t any particular physical attribute of Alex’s that Bernie found attractive, it was simply the whole package; the quirk of her smile and glint in her eye when she was being deliberately cheeky, or the strength of the muscles in her arms when they’d had to rescue a trapped and injured comrade from an upturned vehicle. 

 

“I'm fine, thanks. I err, took the liberty of getting one in for you. Hope it's okay? If not, there's a tomato juice if you'd prefer?” Alex assumed that Bernie might still be working at Holby but didn't know what her shift pattern was and if she'd have to be up early the following morning. Bernie looked down at the bottled beer, not doubting for a moment that it would be her usual and found it was most welcome. She took a long swig, straight from the bottle, and relaxed back in her seat, moving her handbag underneath the table before she did so. 

 

“So, how have you been? What have you been up to? You look well.” Bernie got her questions in first, knowing that her side of things would be more complicated than Alex's so would take a while to explain. Alex did indeed look well; relaxed and content, which troubled Bernie somewhat because she then wondered if that meant she'd settled, got used to life without her and had moved on. Of course in turn, Alex had noticed that when she'd reached for her drink, Bernie hadn’t been wearing her wedding ring. Although, she knew there could be any number of reasons for that so didn't get her hopes up. 

 

“I've carried on with the locum work; took a week off here and there, spent a bit of time with Mum. Nothing much else really.” She'd worked herself hard to avoid spending too much time going over and over things in her head. She’d also been used to a fairly rigorous schedule on tour and had to admit she was missing it. But then her mum had needed some care and attention and Alex had been forced to stop and sort things out on her behalf. 

 

“How is she?”

 

“Doing okay, as well as can be expected anyway, you know how it is.” Bernie nodded in understanding. Although she hadn't really been there and it had been a short illness by comparison, Marcus’s mother had been a lot for him to deal with in her final months. “How about you? I assume you're still at Holby?” By unspoken agreement Alex had avoided accepting any shifts based at Holby, or St James’s for that matter. 

 

“Yes. But I'm running my own trauma unit now, which is going from strength to strength.” Alex could hear the pride in her voice but responded with raised eyebrows, her interest was most certainly piqued. That would have to have been a huge gamble for the people in charge, they must have had a lot of faith in Bernie to not only make it work but to stick around and see it through. Alex also thought that it sounded like a fairly permanent move. 

 

“You seem quite settled then?” She'd tried to keep her tone light but underneath all the pleasantries and Englishness there was a serious reason as to why they were sitting here right now. Alex wondered if Bernie had reconciled herself with her lot and had decided to root herself properly in Holby after all. 

 

“In a way.” Bernie looked around them to check for eves-droppers and potential colleagues before she took a steadying breath. She prepared to speak the truth, willingly and confidently. “That night, when I last saw you, I went home and asked Marcus for a divorce.” Alex’s eyes widened in surprise but she said nothing, allowed her former lover to explain herself fully before passing judgement. “There's… still a way to go, but it's progressing.” 

 

“How do you feel about it?” The news had surprised Alex somewhat, she hadn't been certain Bernie would have found enough courage to have gone through with something as life-changing as that. She really hadn’t seemed ready back when they’d had their last conversation. 

 

“Guilty but relieved.” She still regretted that she'd lied to Marcus at all, that she hadn't been brave enough to end their marriage when she'd realised it wasn't what she wanted anymore. She’d done him a disservice by not letting him go earlier and allowing him time to start over again himself. 

 

“Not sad?” Alex needed to make sure that any residual feelings for her husband were no longer a barrier. 

 

“We both know that it had been over long before now, before you came along. It hasn't exactly been an amicable process either so no, not sad. Marcus is digging his heels in financially, plus he’s managed to get the kids to take his side and they’re not talking to me right now. All in all it’s been pretty awful…  _ but _ that’s my burden to bear and not yours.” Alex nodded as she took Bernie's news in.

 

“I'm sorry it's been awful but I'm glad you're making a positive change in your life. You need to be free of the things you  _ don't  _ want so you can decide what you  _ do  _ want.” Bernie took that as her cue to get down to the heart of the matter, the reason for them meeting now.

 

“I meant it you know, in my text, about you not being far from my thoughts. You’re the only thing that’s kept me going through all of this. Of course, I did it for myself too but that was rather your point wasn’t it?” Alex nodded solemnly. 

 

“I knew that I had to let you go, even if that meant you never came back to me.” At the time she’d repeated the mantra ‘if you love someone, let them go’ in her head, but it hadn’t made it any easier to do. “The journey was yours to make but I hope you knew that I was always here for you, waiting until you needed me?  _ If _ you needed me….  _ wanted _ me.” Bernie finally reached out across the table and took Alex's hand in hers. It had been so difficult not to touch her, pull her into her arms and kiss her like she had so desperately wanted to when she'd walked into the pub earlier. She caught Alex’s gaze and maintained their eye contact.

 

“Of course I want you, I’ve thought of nothing else these past few months. I was worried that you might have moved on, decided that I wasn’t worth the bother after all?” Alex squeezed the hand holding hers gently in reassurance. 

 

“Never, we’ve been through too much together to give it up easily. The army might have brought us together and naturally there are some things that no one else will ever be able to understand; but I fell in love with  _ you _ , the person you are, the person you were always meant to be. I could see it back then, even if you couldn’t.” 

 

“Thank you, for having faith in me when I didn’t.” Bernie’s faith in her professional abilities was steadfast, but finding the confidence in herself, to be who she was always meant to be, had been much harder to come by. 

 

“I love you; even when you don’t love yourself.” Both women shared watery smiles and Bernie’s heart pounded upon hearing those longed-for words. 

 

“And I love you too, more than I ever knew was possible. I’m just sorry I hurt you so badly; I wanted to be honest but I was terrified of the consequences.” Bernie’s voice then took on a wistful note. “Back then we were so happy, the rest of the world didn’t matter and everything was fine. And then the IED hit and so did reality; I was suddenly faced with all of these scenarios and consequences and I got scared.” Bernie absentmindedly ran her thumb over Alex's hand in gentle circles to reassure her that she was still wanted. 

 

“So, where do you want go from here?” Alex asked hopefully, unable to contain her building joy at the prospect of being reunited with her soulmate at last. 

 

“We’re a bit far down the line to start from the beginning…  _ but  _ we’ve had a long time apart. Being together, as civilians, is a whole other ball game. So I’m not really sure.” As much as Bernie wanted to jump into bed with Alex, and she’d really missed the physical side to their relationship as well as the emotional, she knew that they needed to re-establish their boundaries first, take some time to get to know one another all over again, but this time without hiding in the shadows. 

 

“How about we go on a date? A proper ‘book a table, dress up’ kind of a date?” Alex’s eyes glinted with their characteristic cheekiness, despite being deadly serious and just a touch romantic. She’d not had much of a chance to express her chivalrous, romantic side back on tour. The best she’d been able to do is offer back rubs and bring Bernie much needed sustenance when she’d been operating back to back for hours on end.  

 

“Yes, I think I’d like that, very much.” Bernie grinned and chuckled, it was such a simple suggestion but for both of them it was a huge step forward and something of a novelty. 

 

“Great, tell me when’s best for you around your shifts and I’ll book somewhere… if you trust me to that is?” Mess food hadn’t been boring by any stretch of the imagination but it had hardly been haute cuisine either. 

 

“Of course I trust you, I think you know me well enough by now.” Alex knew that Bernie disliked aubergenes and celery but loved strawberries and butternut squash. But she also realised that she knew so little about what she’d gone through these last few months. 

 

“In some ways, yes.” Alex thought she’d make the point clear so that Bernie would understand exactly why a date was the best way forward. There were still some things they had to learn about each other, that they couldn’t get away from now they were outside of their protective army cocoon.

 

A discussion about their next mutually available free evening ensued as well as odd snippets of small talk about the pub and if they’d heard anything from the comrades they’d both left behind. Bernie had finished both the beer and tomato juice and a couple of well timed yawns prompted Alex to suggest calling it a night. Bernie reluctantly agreed and they slowly started to leave, unwilling to be parted now that they'd found their way back to each other again but equally knowing that they needed to be on good form for work the next day. Bernie had stood from her chair and picked up her bag while Alex was still shuffling her way out of her seat.

 

“How are you travelling?” Bernie asked as she waited for Alex to join her. 

 

“I've got the bike. You?” Alex needn’t have clarified it was her motorbike as opposed to bicycle, she’d spoken to Bernie at length about her enjoyment of riding in the past and that she owned more than one motorcycle, all of which had been stored in the garage at her mother’s house whist she was on tour.  

 

“It's just a 15 minute walk for me.” Alex held the pub door open for Bernie and she followed as soon as the older woman had stepped through it. The night air was warmer than expected and the sky much clearer so they could both see a bright full moon and twinkling stars in the sky above them.  

 

“Would you like a lift?” They walked slowly, unconsciously towards where Alex had parked, Bernie simply following out of instinct. But they were both also hyper aware of each other and made a point of walking a little distance apart, Alex leading as she knew where exactly she was headed. 

“Thanks but I think I need the fresh air.” Bernie had a lot to think about and wanted a bit of breathing space before she got back to her tiny flat and virtually went straight to bed after a long day on and off shift. Alex came to a stop next to an impressive looking green sports bike. She couldn’t say that she wasn’t disappointed Bernie hadn’t taken her up on the offer of a lift but understood all the same. She was looking forward to blowing away some of the cobwebs herself, on the ride back to her mum’s with nothing but the thoughts in her head for company. However, there was something she really needed to do before she could say goodnight and put an end to their evening. 

 

“Okay. Umm.. Bernie?” The older woman looked at the uncharacteristically shy expression on Alex's face. She'd been renowned for her cheekiness around base; almost to the point of insubordination, but just a hair's breadth away. She was confident in her professional skill and attractiveness to both sexes. Shy she was not. 

 

However, when Bernie looked up and met Alex’s eyes in the hazy, street-lit hue of the car park, she instantly understood her need, grinned and nodded her assent. “I'm going to kiss you now.” Alex confirmed before cupping Bernie’s cheek with her hand, leaning forwards and pressing their lips together. Bernie instinctively steadied herself by placing her hands at Alex’s waist and then she kissed her back. Their mouths remembered a familiar pattern of lips, teeth and tongue with all of the heat that they had been used to back in Afghanistan. Both had been concerned that their time apart had lessened their lust for each other, but it was clear from this initial kiss that it had only seemed to make it burn brighter. 

 

Their kiss wound down and they spent a few moments nuzzling and pressing lighter kisses along cheeks and noses, even the odd one or two to the side of necks before Bernie placed both her hands on Alex’s forearms to stop her. 

 

“We should say goodnight.” She whispered huskily before suddenly growing very conscious of the fact that they were in the middle of a public car park. It was a natural instinct to retreat but Bernie made an effort to stop herself once she’d seen that Alex had noticed. She returned her grip around Alex’s waist and drew her closer. “Open and honest yes, but let’s not give a free show.” Alex chuckled heartily and Bernie followed suit. Alex kissed Bernie hard once again, mustered all of her willpower and then stepped away. 

 

“Goodnight Bernie.” 

 

“Night Alex. I love you.” 

 

“I love you too. Text me when you get home, just so I know you’re safe.” Bernie shook her head in mirth but smiled anyway. 

 

“Only if you do too.” Alex nodded before putting her helmet on, turning the key of her bike and kickstarting it. Bernie wasn’t to know that was completely unnecessary and that she could have started it with the electric start, but that wouldn’t have looked quite as cool and macho. 

 

Alex blew Bernie a kiss and she waved in return before Alex rode away into the night. Bernie turned the opposite way, in the direction she needed to walk back to her flat, hands in jeans pockets and a silly grin on her face. Her heart felt so much lighter than it had done for years and the promise of a new future, full of hope and love, was just over the horizon.   


End file.
